textsfromlastnight.com part II

saturday nov. 14

2:37 am: white suds

2:57 am: you are beautiful

3:07 am: gah.

4:09 am: S

4:10 am: how's you night? (a little late, for that don't you think?)

please note that this was a one sided conversation. good times with white suds.

thanks to rumor on the street for getting blown up with the hot texts this weekend. names blurred out to protect the belligerent.

a tribute to textsfromlastnight.com

you know what the number one thing not ok about this text is? we had to google what a shiatsu was.

group responses included:

"is that a dog?"

"foreign country?"

"is he jewish?"

apparently it's a massage. who knew?

also, look twice because if you've never seen a sprint rumor now is your chance. they're a rare breed on the cell phone market.

coat with da furrrrr (with da fur)

ohhhhh shoot, it's Notorious F-U-R taking on the starbucks at astor place. or wait, is it 50? he kept the hood on so we may never know.

"too hard for MTV, not black enough for BET."

back view spotted at 8th and lafayette. front view spotted on google images.

over 99.9% not ok.

the insanity continues today with by far the most unsanitary sighting to date.

AN. OPEN. PREGNANCY. TEST. ON. THE. FLOOR. OF. A. CAB.

seriously people?! i'm sure you could've waited at least until you got home to pop the test out of the box. i'd really rather not think about all the things people probably do in cabs. i know it's "public" transportation, but please have some restraint.

but now for the question on everyone's minds... was the test positive? i wonder if the outcome of the test had an effect on the destination of the cab. positive? baby's daddy apartment. negative? bar. either way i hope she tipped the poor cab driver at least 20%.

spotted in midtown by the East Village Vanguard.

my hell on earth.

let me start by saying that i LOATHE times square. it is by far my number 1 "not ok" location in all of new york city and i avoid it like the plague. it is dirty, congested and filled slow walking, picture taking, completely oblivious tourists. no i do not want tickets to see a comedy show, no i do not want to buy an "i heart NY" snow globe, and no i do not want to pay $5 to view the worst version of myself in the form of a creepy caricature. i just want to get where i'm going and get on with my life. yesterday i made the horrible decision to go to a gym class at the NYSC times square location and i will never, EVER make that mistake again.

maybe the strangest thing i witnessed on this particular trip to times square was the two seemingly normal american women who got unnaturally excited when they stumbled upon the sbarro at 47th and broadway. guess they've never been to a mall food court in middle america. i mean really, sbarro? if you're looking for good pizza ladies, head down to ninos where not only can you get a delicious slice for $2 but also an "i love you, beautiful" from the guy behind the counter.

i spotted these two ladies in their matching velour tracksuits headed back to the holiday inn express after an exhaustingday of shopping at the juicy store. matching shopping bags and matching tracksuits? wow. viva la juicy, made in the glamorous USA.

don't get used to sightings in times square. i will not be back.

don't drink the love potion.

this weekend rant will be blamed solely on the $20 mixology love potion drinks served at apotheke.

it is not ok to get a girl's number 5 minutes after meeting her at a bar. it is even worse when after this girl leaves you (well, unknowingly) scam on their roommate and proceed to invite her to an after party as well as get her phone number. rumor on the street was wise enough however to give out fake digits. smart girl.

it is also not ok to text the girl you met for 5 minutes at the bar the next morning to see if they want to do brunch. (whoa, that could be all sorts of awkward) call later and leave a "hey, what's up" voicemail. or text the next monday to see if they want to attend "a sick dance party" that most likely involves murray hill and $2 beers.

gregory, if you're reading this. we're talking to you my friend.

spotted on the bloody elbow of chinatown.

taking the urgent out of emergency

saturday night i was fortunate enough to get to spend the hours of 2 am - 6 am in the ER at a local new york hospital (accompanied by wall street betty and rumor on the street) which i will from now on refer to as SKETCH ISRAEL. no, there was nothing wrong with me (i'm just a good friend) and no one was intoxicated (well, no one in our party at least. not really).

i was stupidly unaware that after 2 am, ER is actually just code for drunk tank. bring on the overserved delinquents of manhattan. in fact, if you're not drunk they should warn you that it will take a minimum of two hours to actually get out of the lobby and another two-three before a 25 year old "doctor" will even look at you. i'm pretty sure the entire operation that night was being run by the 19-year-old intern (aka doogie howser, M.D.).

actually the first "patient" i saw was this girl who appeared to have absolutely nothing wrong with her. scenario: 2 am the girls rollerblades into the ER, exchanges her blades for a sweet socks with sandals look, and lies down on a gurney in the waiting room where she proceeds to send some one-eyed texts from her iPhone (see photo, note the blades in the lower left hand corner). thirty minutes later she goes back to be "treated." then around 4 am she returns to the waiting room, puts on her blades and rolls out. seriously.

the second atrocity i witnessed was the guy two feet away from the waiting room in a "room" partitioned by curtains. scenario: guy lying lifeless on a gurney, oxygen mask over his mouth, IVs in every arm and a bloody eye patch. not a single person checks on the guy the entire 4 hours we are there. pretty sure he died 8 hours ago and no one felt the need to move him.

then comes the drunkards, wheeled in on gurneys and in chairs, one after the other. students, hipsters, grown men, victims of bar brawls. my personal favorite story was the medic who brought in some kid he found outside of mcdonald's on st. marks and third (that's my hood!)

medic: "yea i just walked by and saw him makin' out with some girl, and i was like alright, yea. then he starts puking everywhere, so i brought him in." ok. must have been a bad big mac.

the next girl they bring in rocking a sparkly fuschia halter dress was also found at the mcdonald's on st. marks and third. coincidence? i'd bet money that this girl was the one making out with mr. pukey. solid night for those two.

this recount is really only the tip of the iceberg but overall the evening was certainly enough for me to seriously question the great american healthcare system.

stay classy new york city.

all incidents witnessed in gramercy.

the latest trend in guerilla marketing.

next time your grandma offers to knit you a scarf, instead opt for the full body neon camo suit like this guy did. it's warm, comfy and great for promoting local chinese restaurants. i mean seriously, nothing makes me crave kung pao chicken with fried rice more than this. proof that in this economy, you really do need to be creative. pass the soy sauce, please.

spotted in union square.

get inked.

so, my good friend and blog contributor wall street betty was recently dating this guy who shall remain nameless in order to protect the not-so innocent. things were going just fine until she received the following photo via email. (i’d also like to point out that this was at 10 am on a what i’m assuming to be a sober thursday morning.)

wow. nothing says true love quite like a faux tat.

dear men of new york (and the rest of the world), this is NEVER ok.

needless to say they are no longer dating. hope he didn't write that in permanent sharpie.

spotted on the upper east side.